My story.
I was a skinny child. Scrawny. A runt. I was a weakling. I was very self-conscious about my lack of substance. That self-image is with me to this day. I can see my image in a full-length mirror and it's not my 48-inch waist that catches my eye. I notice that my biceps and forearms are slightly smaller than they used to be.
Two characteristics I displayed from an early age: I was often tired and I was often hungry. I had a ravenous appetite. I would eat and eat and eat. Then I would get groggy. If I knew then what I know now I would have eased up on the sugars and starches. But at the time there was no such thing as a bad calorie.
In early adulthood I started to exercise more frequently than in adolescence. I started doing fun exercise and supplemented the fun stuff with regimented weight lifting. Changing addresses and work schedules made it harder to practice karate or play basketball or even dance in nightclubs. But I did continue to lift weights from time to time from my early twenties to my late thirties.
My bad diet contributed to my ongoing fatigue. I often got things half right. I might eliminate soda from my diet because of the sugar and then wash down my white bread sandwiches and Fritos with Diet Coke. Sure, I eliminated some sugar but I was still spiking the glycemic scale. As if I wasn't already a self-conscious person I also became sensitive about my ongoing fatigue. Here I was a man in the prime of his life who had to take a nap every afternoon. I talked myself out of joining the Air Force (wise choice in my case) largely because I thought I would probably get court-martialed for snoozing.
I did some things to improve my health. By my mid-20's I had put most intoxicants behind me. I still drank beer now and then but that was kind of a late night thing. I mingled with a wide variety of people and sometimes adopted their diets in hopes of becoming more energetic. I made several attempts at becoming a vegetarian. Understand, this what not done out of sentiment or concern for animals. I could expound on that but I won't right now. This is Planet Earth and a certain amount of cruelty is built into the system. Predation is often cruel and man is a predator. No, I was lead to believe that meat was making me weak. Put down the flesh and pick up the carrot and enjoy the boundless energy nature intended for you.
Vegetarianism was a repeated failure. It turned a tired man into a walking zombie. Because I was not on a crusade of conspicuous compassion I would eat meat when it was offered to me. I felt better after each serving. When I mentioned this to some of my vegetarian friends I would get answers like "meat addiction" and "detoxification" and so on. I ignored my own observations and I ignored what my body was screaming at me: "Meat good."
I hit a point of no return while reading Marvin Harris's "The Abominable Pig and The Sacred Cow." Highly recommended, by the way. Harris was musing on the worldwide obsession with protein, especially amongst primitive peoples. He mentioned a South American tribe who had a word for 'hungry' and another word for 'meat hungry.' I put the book down and raced to the nearest hamburger stand. That was 1987, my last year as an occasional vegetarian.
When I hit 30 I finally started filling out. I had increased my disposable income and had very few expenses. I bought my first microwave and disproved once and for all that money cannot buy happiness. My gluttony was out of control but I did not care. On my 30th birthday I was 6'2" and weighed 160 pounds. I STILL felt inferior because of my thin frame. I had not aspired to look like Fred Astaire or David Bowie or Ichabod Crane. My self-image was that of a scarecrow. Gluttony was a good thing. At last I was addressing my poor self-image in an effective manner.
Ahh, those were the days! I was consuming about 10,000 calories/day. I would order a large pizza and a large sub and eat them in one sitting. I ate a lot of ice cream and fried food. Yes, I was getting bigger and that was my reward for my diligent consumption. I started liking the way I looked. Over a three year period I put on about two pounds per month. I went from 160 pounds to 232. It was time to put on the brakes. That was about 17 years ago.
Nature is cruel. So is everything else. I was pretty confident that I could apply the brakes, reverse direction and cruise back to my ideal weight, somewhere between 180 and 200. I would then use weights to tone up and at last have the body I always wanted.
Hah! Something or someone had sabotaged my brake pedal. I began a seven year period of futility. I tried all sorts of diets and exercise and techniques to stabilize and lose weight. I tried the thermogenic approach where you eat hot foods and turn down the thermostat. I lifted weights. I swam. I walked. I treadmilled. I cycled. I bought an upright punching bag and a Slam Man. I started a lot of exercise programs. I took all sorts of nutritional supplements. I even tried calorie restriction. I stared at the refrigerator for a week and then got on the scales. I had gained two pounds.
I weighed about 280 pounds in 1998 when I decided on one of two drastic courses of action. Course #1 was radical vegetarianism. I know some skinny vegetarians. Of course I also know some pudgy vegetarians. As mentioned, my past efforts at vegetarianism were pretty dismal. The other course of action was to try the Atkins Diet.
1998 was when the Atkins Diet seemed to become popular. I don't follow the dietary habits of celebrities and I am insulted one might suggest that I would mimic their actions but about as soon as I started the diet I started hearing about famous and semi-famous people doing the high protein thing. At first I thought it was that rare disease phenomenon. Your cousin contracts a disease you have never heard of and then all of a sudden you hear of dozens and dozens of people who suffered from the same disease. But no, this diet seemed to have arrived.
Don't ask me why Atkins would be the last diet I would try. I had tried everything else. why not high protein. The results were pretty amazing. I was gobbling dozen-egg crab and cheese omelettes and my weight dropped to about 240. I was probably around 275 immediately before starting the diet. My record keeping was pretty spotty. I lost about 35 pounds in 8 weeks. I was amazed.
But that 240 pound mark would turn out to be floor. Over the next ten years I would lose and regain the same 35 pounds over and over. At 240 I would stop losing. I would drift away from The Atkins Plan and I would reflab almost as fast as I had deflabbed. My wife, my friends, my family all maintained more normal diets. To be sociable I would often eat their food. At holidays and social functions I did as the Romans do. The lowest I have gotten in 17 years was 227. Usually I stall at 240. I was in--and might still be in--the yo-yo years.
A few wacky things about Atkins (and other high protein diets.) One, it is all or none. A few carbs over the limit might be 12 to 20 calories but it is also no weight loss for days to come. Being stubborn, it took me a long time to accept that that one blasted grape sabotaged my plans. And you have to be wary of hidden carbs. Salad dressings and small amounts of cream in my coffee sometimes did me in. It might take me weeks to realize it and then I would eliminate salad or salad dressing or both and I would start to lose again.
Another wacky Atkins thing. Everyone I know hits the wall. They say a plateau but a plateau is an elevated flat land. So I say they flatline. I don't know why that is but I intend to be aware of it. When I stop losing I plan to increase my exercise. When that no longer produces results, I will probably try some other diet. "Other diet? I thought you said you had tried ALL of them." That was 10 years ago. Scores of diets have sprouted up in that time. Scores.
Atkins also has rules that make no sense. That whole induction thing makes no sense to me. If you stay under 20 grams of carbs then what does it matter if you eat nuts or salads? And why no gin in the induction phase but gin later on? I don't know and I don't know but this last effort I have NOT followed their instructions to a tee and you can compare my results to one year ago when I was a bit more in compliance (despite the Half-N-Half in my coffee and the sunflower seeds.)
One last wacky Atkinsism. When you go off-diet the weight can return FAST. From summer of 2007 to winter of 2008 I went from 240 to 290. I didn't keep real detailed records but it looks like I put on 50 pounds in six or seven months.
That is my body story. 30 years of fretting about being too skinny, 3 fun years and then 17 years of worrying about being too fat. At this point it isn't about aesthetics or even about health. It's about success. Self-control. Self-mastery, if you will. I can be stubborn and having set a goal of losing a given amount of weight and repeatedly failing, it makes me more determined to win. Had I not tried so hard and failed I might not be so determined now. It's a chess match and it's not Kasparov or Big Blue sitting across the table from me. I can win this match. "Checkmate?" I sure hope so.
Update: The above was written about fifteen months ago. I weighed close to 280 when I wrote that (I'll look up the exact number and post it later.) I got down to 248 and hit another snag. Stayed there a long time. I went to an ad lib diet but tried to avoid the extreme no-no's. I joined a gym but I was only able to workout every now and then due to my work schedule.
On 6/28/09 I weigh 250 pounds. 250 seems to be the new 240.
